Thursday, June 23, 2011

Sweet Boy

That little red blinking light. Anyone out there with a Blackberry knows what I'm talking about. That little red blinking light that notifies you when you have a call. Or a text. Or an email. And when your phone is on vibrate or silent as frequently as mine, it's often times your primary source of notification that you have a new message.

Lately, that red blinking light has become my life's blood.

Blink: Monday afternoon. We found out that Mama was experiencing some pretty bad swelling, and her blood pressure was alarmingly high. After being evaluated, she was diagnosed with preeclampsia and admitted to the hospital. The hope was to get the blood pressure down with some Magnesium, administer the steroid shots to encourage baby's lung development, and as he was breech, deliver via C either Tuesday or Wednesday. Everything seemed to be stabilizing, and baby was looking good with a predicted weight around 3 lbs, 6 oz. We are officially in stand-by mode.

Blink: Tuesday. Things seemed stable in the morning, but by afternoon baby's heart rate started to gradually decellerate. Rather than risk waiting any longer, little man was delivered shortly after 2:00pm CMT, and came into this world weighing 3 lbs, 7 oz and crying. Praise God. I received this email at approximately 4:30 EST. As I was leaving work. Getting on the interstate. I will remember that car ride as long as I live - tears streaming down my face as I sped down the highway, looking at the very first pictures of this sweet boy.

Since Tuesday, the blinks have all started to run together. My phone is attached to my hip constantly. Baby boy is of course in the NICU, and as an parent of a NICU baby knows (I had two ~ my son who is now 9, and Lil Miss last year), it is one giant rollercoaster ride of emotions. It's not day to day, and sometimes not even hour to hour. Often, it's minute to minute. In the past 2 days, he has had highs & lows,but overall is doing very well for a peanut his size. His prognosis is excellent, and he has the two most doting and loving parents in the world there with him every step of the way.

And yet my heart aches. Some moments unbearably.

My heart aches for them. After everything they have been through in the past year. The one year anniversary of the loss of their precious daughter mere days away. And now having been through the scare of the past several days, and having their son lying in the NICU. Dear God, how much is one couple expected to take? I pray that He gives them the strength. I pray for her physical recovery. I THANK GOD that they are the amazing, loving couple that they are, the very best parents that this little boy could possibly ask for.

And my heart aches for him. For that sweet, sweet baby boy. I close my eyes and I see his little face. I see his crazy toes, just like Little Miss. I see his dark, fuzzy hair. I see the soft downy still covering his skin. And I ache for him.

I see what could have been. And it hurts. With every fiber in my being, down to the depths of my soul, it hurts.

I am in a strange kind of limbo right now. And honestly, feeling somewhat selfish for even acknowledging my own feelings, knowing what his parents must be experiencing.

I continue to pray fervently that God watch over him, that he is quick to heal and grow, and is soon home with his family ~ where he belongs. I would ask that you please do the same.

Welcome to the world, sweet boy.

3 comments:

  1. Shelly,

    It is Deborah- long time- but we emailed back and forth quite a while ago. I wanted to peek in to see how it was going and was so surprised to see the baby was born. I have so much to write- will send you an email soon. But for now, please know that my thoughts are with you and that it is okay to have your own feelings of loss. Who would you be if you didn't feel the loss? It makes you the caring, wonderful person that you are and one that could give a gift so great. Hang in there and let us know how things are going. Big hug.

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  2. I just ran across your blog and had to post a comment to thank you for your selfess gift. I am a mommy via embryo adoption and can't begin to explain the extreme love we have for our daughter. And as much as we love her, I know that there has to be a family out there that feels a certain amount of loss too. So, tonight I am grateful for families who are willing to travel beyond comfort and ease to sacrafical giving... Thank you for giving your precious embryos a chance at life and another couple a chance to be a family. Praying for you tonight...

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