Sunday, January 16, 2011

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

This was the title of the ad we placed on the "Miracles Waiting" website what seems like a lifetime ago.

Although in hindsight it seems incredibly ironic considering the location of the family with which we were ultimately united! ;)

I had initially seen my Snowsister's profile on another website, and then was awestruck to see she'd also placed an ad on "Miracles Waiting".

When I first start researching couples with which to potentially place our embryos, I had several criteria in mind. One of the most important that I will discuss today was geographic location.

I know that for many couples, a significant geographic distance is preferable for reasons relating to avoiding a potential genetic conflict when meeting and developing possible future relationships. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I also recall having seen several ads where placing couples expressed a preference for a family within driving distance so as to maintain a close relationship with the recipient family and their biological child(ren), which in many cases was deemed to be primarily for the benefit of full genetic siblings.

As I've stated on numerous occasions (and probably will on many more to come!), I felt an instant connection with our recipient family. Yes, it certainly made the decision easier as they were located half a country away, but it was also very much a case of  just "knowing"; similar to how many people describe feeling upon meeting their future spouse, finding the perfect home, etc.

My initial thought was that for my own personal protection, meaning emotionally and mentally, that I would have much greater peace of mind knowing that while our embies had found their forever family, that physical distance would eliminate any pain or loss that I might experience in the future. I suppose in hindsight this could be perceived as a conflict with my desire to keep an open relationship with the recipient family. All I can say is, in my mind at that time, a significant geographic gap was of great importance to me.

While I have zero regrets about our decision, I will admit that I've already experienced sadness that we're not closer to one another. I realize every situation will be different, and that ultimately people need to make the choice that they believe will be right for them. And if I had it to do all over again, I would choose this couple every single time. But as our daughter's 1st birthday approaches, it hurts my heart that they can't be there to share in the celebration. When I think about #2 daughter's high school graduation this summer, our wedding next fall, I can't imagine the void I will feel not having this newly discovered part of our family there to share it with us.

We talk about them in our home on a regular basis, and my older girls are so incredibly excited to hear each update. They are so very dear to my heart, and I honestly can't remember life before them. This also presents the inevitable question that should we be closer, would that also be reciprocal? Would I be invited to the baby shower? Would I see him/her after they're born? If so, how frequently and in what capacity?

There are so many questions, so many unknowns. But the truth is that I've removed most of these variables from the equation by this"self imposed distance".

When we made our trip out west last fall, I tried to view everything through the eyes of their future child/ren. Their home. The neighborhood. The school. The community. And I was overcome with an indescribable feeling of happiness. Peace. Certainty. This was it. This was HOME.

We have a long future together ahead of us, and I am completely confident that we will continue making joint decisions that are ultimately in the best interest of everyone~~primarily, these precious little ones. And the truth is that even though there are thousands of miles between us, we are always no more than a call, a text, or an email away.

And most importantly, ALWAYS in one another's hearts.


  1. You are so right about the unknowns. I think it's impossible to really anticipate how you will feel at different points in this journey.

    My donor also lives a distance away. (About a 2 hour plane ride.) She was invited to my baby shower, but I figured she would not be able to make it. She surprised me by getting in touch with my friend throwing the shower, and flying in just for the day. It was AWESOME! Since my daughter was born our contact has lessened. Some factors are health issues she's been dealing with, me being overwhelmed with a baby, and her having her hands full with 5 year old twins. But I imagine that the reality of my daughter is emotionally complicated for her. So I'm giving her plenty of space to sort through her feelings. I do hope that as the children get older they will have an opportunity to know each other.

  2. Thank you for sharing your heart!!

    BTW, I gave you an award on my blog! :)