Hello. My name is Shelly and I am a Blog Addict. "Hi Shelly..."
It's true. I feel like I should join Bloggers Anonymous. I have become obsessed with all things "blog", although to look at my own, I guess you wouldn't know it.
Thing is, I've vowed to reserve this blog for the purpose which it was intended. I mean, I could come on here and blog incessantly about how overwhelmed I am with school work, how exhausting a teething one year old is, how I'm suffering from tremendous feelings of guilt as a result of all of the obligations that keep me away from my family, and on and on....
But I won't do that. ;)
So I came across a blog not so long ago (in complete honesty, I don't remember which one), and read something that did not sit well with me. At all.
The topic was receipt of "the letter" following an IVF procedure resulting in remaining frozen embryos. "The letter", which I've mentioned countless times here, and that you've undoubtedly heard mentioned many times elsewhere, asking for a decision regarding the fate of your remaining frozen embryos.
Now we're all aware of the "big four". And prior to discovering this blog, I thought that's all there were ~ four choices. Disposal, continued preservation, research, or donation. None of which are obviously as simple as they sound. But now I hear there's a fifth choice. Transferring the remaining embryos at a particular point in a woman's cycle during which they have no chance of resulting in a viable pregnancy.
I believe there was a name for this procedure, although I can't recall what it was. Although several thoughts come to mind....
This is such a difficult concept for me to grasp. And in no way do I want to diminish anyone's personal experience. But WHY? HOW?
If you read back on my blog, you'll see that the option of donation for stem cell research was a very brief consideration of mine. But I just couldn't do it. In the end, for me, there was no other choice but one.
We entered the process of IVF wanting a baby. A living, breathing baby. We followed our protocol, held tight to our faith, and were blessed with seven beautiful blastocysts. ALL of whome we LOVED. ALL of whom deserved a chance at LIFE.
As for my family, we were only able to bring home one. But that left six little embies still in need of a family. And mercifully, God led us to them.
So I'm sorry, but I just don't buy this whole claim of "disposing of them mercifully"! By transferring them at a time that they have zero chance of viability is, in my eyes, a death sentence. Yes, I said it.
Was making the choice to donate them to another couple an easy one? HECK NO! Did we question ourselves and then question ourselves AGAIN? HECK YES!
Has this undeniably been one of the most life altering, amazing experiences of my life? No question.
If I offend anyone, I apologize. But you know what? I went into the IVF process thinking I couldn't possibly have a greater appreciation for life, or stand more firmly in my beliefs.
I was wrong.
Those remaining five tiny little frozen embryos, not to mention the precious miracle currently growing at 13 weeks strong in his/her mama's belly, have taught me a greater lesson than any person I know.
And for that, I am grateful.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Happy Day Times Two!
Today was already a special day. You see, nine years ago on this day, I gave birth to a little blue-eyed handsome man who changed my life forever. Happy Birthday, buddy! Mommy loves you so very, very much!
And at 12:36 this afternoon, my dear lifelong friend "Maria" gave birth to a beautiful little 6.5 lb baby girl!
Just when I think my heart cannot be more full. My cup truly runneth over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My amazing Snowsister continues to progress very nicely! Another week and a half and the 2nd trimester milestone has been achieved! How incredible is that?
All of these new lives entering the world just fills me with such a sense of hope and promise. I can't believe that one month from today we'll be celebrating the 1st birthday of our sweet little princess. What an unbelievable blessing she has been and oh how much love and joy she has brought to everyone!
This may sound strange, but I like to think of her as having had a tremendous hand in our decision to place our embryos up for adoption. One look into those big blue eyes and the decision was made.
The circle of life. Isn't it something?
Happy, happy day indeed!!
And at 12:36 this afternoon, my dear lifelong friend "Maria" gave birth to a beautiful little 6.5 lb baby girl!
Just when I think my heart cannot be more full. My cup truly runneth over.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My amazing Snowsister continues to progress very nicely! Another week and a half and the 2nd trimester milestone has been achieved! How incredible is that?
All of these new lives entering the world just fills me with such a sense of hope and promise. I can't believe that one month from today we'll be celebrating the 1st birthday of our sweet little princess. What an unbelievable blessing she has been and oh how much love and joy she has brought to everyone!
This may sound strange, but I like to think of her as having had a tremendous hand in our decision to place our embryos up for adoption. One look into those big blue eyes and the decision was made.
The circle of life. Isn't it something?
Happy, happy day indeed!!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Somewhere Over the Rainbow
This was the title of the ad we placed on the "Miracles Waiting" website what seems like a lifetime ago.
Although in hindsight it seems incredibly ironic considering the location of the family with which we were ultimately united! ;)
I had initially seen my Snowsister's profile on another website, and then was awestruck to see she'd also placed an ad on "Miracles Waiting".
When I first start researching couples with which to potentially place our embryos, I had several criteria in mind. One of the most important that I will discuss today was geographic location.
I know that for many couples, a significant geographic distance is preferable for reasons relating to avoiding a potential genetic conflict when meeting and developing possible future relationships. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I also recall having seen several ads where placing couples expressed a preference for a family within driving distance so as to maintain a close relationship with the recipient family and their biological child(ren), which in many cases was deemed to be primarily for the benefit of full genetic siblings.
As I've stated on numerous occasions (and probably will on many more to come!), I felt an instant connection with our recipient family. Yes, it certainly made the decision easier as they were located half a country away, but it was also very much a case of just "knowing"; similar to how many people describe feeling upon meeting their future spouse, finding the perfect home, etc.
My initial thought was that for my own personal protection, meaning emotionally and mentally, that I would have much greater peace of mind knowing that while our embies had found their forever family, that physical distance would eliminate any pain or loss that I might experience in the future. I suppose in hindsight this could be perceived as a conflict with my desire to keep an open relationship with the recipient family. All I can say is, in my mind at that time, a significant geographic gap was of great importance to me.
While I have zero regrets about our decision, I will admit that I've already experienced sadness that we're not closer to one another. I realize every situation will be different, and that ultimately people need to make the choice that they believe will be right for them. And if I had it to do all over again, I would choose this couple every single time. But as our daughter's 1st birthday approaches, it hurts my heart that they can't be there to share in the celebration. When I think about #2 daughter's high school graduation this summer, our wedding next fall, I can't imagine the void I will feel not having this newly discovered part of our family there to share it with us.
We talk about them in our home on a regular basis, and my older girls are so incredibly excited to hear each update. They are so very dear to my heart, and I honestly can't remember life before them. This also presents the inevitable question that should we be closer, would that also be reciprocal? Would I be invited to the baby shower? Would I see him/her after they're born? If so, how frequently and in what capacity?
There are so many questions, so many unknowns. But the truth is that I've removed most of these variables from the equation by this"self imposed distance".
When we made our trip out west last fall, I tried to view everything through the eyes of their future child/ren. Their home. The neighborhood. The school. The community. And I was overcome with an indescribable feeling of happiness. Peace. Certainty. This was it. This was HOME.
We have a long future together ahead of us, and I am completely confident that we will continue making joint decisions that are ultimately in the best interest of everyone~~primarily, these precious little ones. And the truth is that even though there are thousands of miles between us, we are always no more than a call, a text, or an email away.
And most importantly, ALWAYS in one another's hearts.
Although in hindsight it seems incredibly ironic considering the location of the family with which we were ultimately united! ;)
I had initially seen my Snowsister's profile on another website, and then was awestruck to see she'd also placed an ad on "Miracles Waiting".
When I first start researching couples with which to potentially place our embryos, I had several criteria in mind. One of the most important that I will discuss today was geographic location.
I know that for many couples, a significant geographic distance is preferable for reasons relating to avoiding a potential genetic conflict when meeting and developing possible future relationships. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I also recall having seen several ads where placing couples expressed a preference for a family within driving distance so as to maintain a close relationship with the recipient family and their biological child(ren), which in many cases was deemed to be primarily for the benefit of full genetic siblings.
As I've stated on numerous occasions (and probably will on many more to come!), I felt an instant connection with our recipient family. Yes, it certainly made the decision easier as they were located half a country away, but it was also very much a case of just "knowing"; similar to how many people describe feeling upon meeting their future spouse, finding the perfect home, etc.
My initial thought was that for my own personal protection, meaning emotionally and mentally, that I would have much greater peace of mind knowing that while our embies had found their forever family, that physical distance would eliminate any pain or loss that I might experience in the future. I suppose in hindsight this could be perceived as a conflict with my desire to keep an open relationship with the recipient family. All I can say is, in my mind at that time, a significant geographic gap was of great importance to me.
While I have zero regrets about our decision, I will admit that I've already experienced sadness that we're not closer to one another. I realize every situation will be different, and that ultimately people need to make the choice that they believe will be right for them. And if I had it to do all over again, I would choose this couple every single time. But as our daughter's 1st birthday approaches, it hurts my heart that they can't be there to share in the celebration. When I think about #2 daughter's high school graduation this summer, our wedding next fall, I can't imagine the void I will feel not having this newly discovered part of our family there to share it with us.
We talk about them in our home on a regular basis, and my older girls are so incredibly excited to hear each update. They are so very dear to my heart, and I honestly can't remember life before them. This also presents the inevitable question that should we be closer, would that also be reciprocal? Would I be invited to the baby shower? Would I see him/her after they're born? If so, how frequently and in what capacity?
There are so many questions, so many unknowns. But the truth is that I've removed most of these variables from the equation by this"self imposed distance".
When we made our trip out west last fall, I tried to view everything through the eyes of their future child/ren. Their home. The neighborhood. The school. The community. And I was overcome with an indescribable feeling of happiness. Peace. Certainty. This was it. This was HOME.
We have a long future together ahead of us, and I am completely confident that we will continue making joint decisions that are ultimately in the best interest of everyone~~primarily, these precious little ones. And the truth is that even though there are thousands of miles between us, we are always no more than a call, a text, or an email away.
And most importantly, ALWAYS in one another's hearts.
Friday, January 7, 2011
New Beginnings
A belated Happy 2011 to everyone!
The tree and "all things Christmas" have been packed away for another year, and we are now looking forward to all of the exciting things 2011 has in store!
First of all, an update on my dear expectant friend "Maria" whom I was so concerned about going into premature labor months and months ago. I am THRILLED to report that her little princess decided to hold tight and is still snuggled in nice and cozy! She is now 36 weeks along (well out of the danger zone!), and scheduled for a C-section later this month, assuming labor doesn't begin sooner. We are all thanking God for an uneventful past couple of months, and are eagerly awaiting this little one's arrival!
I'm also elated to report that my Snowsister has had a lovely past couple of weeks (with the exception of some nausea and fatigue, which I consider GREAT things!). She is scheduled for another ultrasound next week, and will then be graduating from her RE to OB! {Insert happy dance here}
When I embarked on this embryo adoption journey 6 months ago, I consumed myself with blogs on infertility, infant loss, etc. And I have been overwhelmed with stories of bravery, resilience, and strength. I am truly humbled to be included in a sisterhood of such amazing women.
Lately, however, I've found myself taking a slightly different route and have been devouring all things open adoption. Adoption is such an incredibly selfless act (and I do not mean this in any type of egocentric way), but also appears to be a somewhat complex road to travel at times, depending on the individual circumstances.
Closed vs Open. If Open, to what extent or degree. Who to tell. When to tell. How much to tell them. There are so many different factors and individuals to consider, not the least of which is the child or children involved.
I will say that I am at complete peace with our choice to maintain an open relationship with our donor family. Although some may not understand or necessarily agree, I've done as much research as I could on the alternative, and with some minor exceptions, open adoption seems to be the overwhelming choice in providing the greatest benefit to everyone involved. Yet once again, I struggle to find my place as an "embryo donor mother", as opposed to a "birth/first mother".
This is such new and unchartered territory, which translates to it being exciting, but also quite daunting. I have much to learn, much to discover. And this is only the beggining.
However, I realize that I am incredibly blessed to have such an amazing woman to be walking with me on this journey.
I see how much support she consistently provides to this huge network of women, offering words of encouragement, reassurance, compassion, and wisdom, and I realize that as lucky as they all are to have her as a resource (and in many cases, a friend), I am even more fortunate.
Because this child (and God willing ~ these children), are going to have the most amazing mother in the world.
The tree and "all things Christmas" have been packed away for another year, and we are now looking forward to all of the exciting things 2011 has in store!
First of all, an update on my dear expectant friend "Maria" whom I was so concerned about going into premature labor months and months ago. I am THRILLED to report that her little princess decided to hold tight and is still snuggled in nice and cozy! She is now 36 weeks along (well out of the danger zone!), and scheduled for a C-section later this month, assuming labor doesn't begin sooner. We are all thanking God for an uneventful past couple of months, and are eagerly awaiting this little one's arrival!
I'm also elated to report that my Snowsister has had a lovely past couple of weeks (with the exception of some nausea and fatigue, which I consider GREAT things!). She is scheduled for another ultrasound next week, and will then be graduating from her RE to OB! {Insert happy dance here}
When I embarked on this embryo adoption journey 6 months ago, I consumed myself with blogs on infertility, infant loss, etc. And I have been overwhelmed with stories of bravery, resilience, and strength. I am truly humbled to be included in a sisterhood of such amazing women.
Lately, however, I've found myself taking a slightly different route and have been devouring all things open adoption. Adoption is such an incredibly selfless act (and I do not mean this in any type of egocentric way), but also appears to be a somewhat complex road to travel at times, depending on the individual circumstances.
Closed vs Open. If Open, to what extent or degree. Who to tell. When to tell. How much to tell them. There are so many different factors and individuals to consider, not the least of which is the child or children involved.
I will say that I am at complete peace with our choice to maintain an open relationship with our donor family. Although some may not understand or necessarily agree, I've done as much research as I could on the alternative, and with some minor exceptions, open adoption seems to be the overwhelming choice in providing the greatest benefit to everyone involved. Yet once again, I struggle to find my place as an "embryo donor mother", as opposed to a "birth/first mother".
This is such new and unchartered territory, which translates to it being exciting, but also quite daunting. I have much to learn, much to discover. And this is only the beggining.
However, I realize that I am incredibly blessed to have such an amazing woman to be walking with me on this journey.
I see how much support she consistently provides to this huge network of women, offering words of encouragement, reassurance, compassion, and wisdom, and I realize that as lucky as they all are to have her as a resource (and in many cases, a friend), I am even more fortunate.
Because this child (and God willing ~ these children), are going to have the most amazing mother in the world.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Letter #1 ~ 2010
Well here we are...New Year's Eve Eve!
New Year's is always a time for reflection and introspection, but even more so this year.
I have been experiencing such a flood of emotions over the past week or so. I could not be more grateful for all of the the blessings bestowed on me in 2010, or more enthusiastic about the promise awaiting in 2011!
We are headed to some dear friends' house to celebrate tomorrow evening, and my heart will be so incredibly full as I watch that ball drop in Times Square. Just a couple of weeks ago we stood in that very spot with our donor recipient couple~~unaware that a little miracle had already begun taking shape.
As I continue to explore ways to navigate this ever evolving journey, one thought I had was to write a letter.
A letter a year to our adopted snowbabies.
Whether just for my own therapeutic purposes, or perhaps one day for him/her/them to read and hopefully help them understand.
And so here goes...my first letter!
May God bless each and every one of you. May you find peace as this year comes to a close, and find many blessings awaiting in 2011.
Happy New Year!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dearest Little One:
I have a secret to tell you. You are a lucky little bean. A very lucky little bean. But rather than try to explain, let me instead share a little story…
Once upon a time there was a woman happily raising her four children. This woman had known she wanted to be a mommy ever since she was a little girl. Not only did she know she wanted to be a mommy, she knew she wanted to have lots of babies. Not just two or three like most families, but maybe four or five! And by the grace of God, this mommy got her wish.
In five year’s time, she was blessed with three beautiful baby girls. They were each lovely and wonderful in their own special way, and every single day this woman thanked God for choosing her to be their mommy. Some years later, this woman was blessed again, this time with a baby boy. He was sweet and perfect and had the most beautiful blue eyes you’ve ever seen. This mommy couldn’t believe how very lucky she was to have the family she’d always dreamed of! She was sure her family was now complete.
But then, just when she thought her life could not possibly be any fuller, she met the most magnificent man she’d ever known. He was kind and caring and loved her and her children with all of his heart. One day this man took this woman and her children on a beautiful train ride through the country and asked them to become his forever family.
The woman could not believe how incredibly blessed she was, and her heart felt as though it might explode with all of the love she was feeling. This man and woman loved each other so very much that they decided to have a baby of their very own.
The love that this man and woman had was so great that God blessed them with seven teeny, tiny little snow babies. But they could choose only one. And so, the following year, a beautiful baby girl was born, and the mommy and daddy were overcome with joy for this amazing gift.
Soon the day came when it was time for the mommy and daddy to say goodbye to their other six tiny snow babies. And although they were very sad, they were also rejoicing because God had led them to another very special mommy and daddy.
This other mommy and daddy had been wanting a baby of their own for a long time. They loved each other very much, and prayed to God very hard to grant their wish. And one day, God did grant their wish and sent them a precious little girl. Sadly, she was born just a little too soon, and God called her back up to heaven. Even though this mommy and daddy missed their little girl with all of their hearts, they kept praying to God each and every day, asking Him to watch over their sweet angel in heaven, and hoping that one day He might send them another baby to love.
God can work in very magical and mysterious ways, and so it came to be that that He helped these mommies find one another. The mommy with the six precious snow babies asked the angel baby’s mommy if she would please take care of them and love them just as she wished she could. When the angel baby’s mommy said yes, they both celebrated the miracle that God had granted them!
The first mommy was filled with a tremendous sense of peace, knowing that these six little snow babies had found their forever family~a mommy and daddy who would love them with all of their hearts forever and ever.
So you see little one, it was not just because of the love of one mommy and daddy that you are here today. It is because of the love of two mommies and daddies who all loved you so very much and wanted you so very much.
But most of all because God, in His infinite wisdom, knew that your forever family was here waiting for you all along...
New Year's is always a time for reflection and introspection, but even more so this year.
I have been experiencing such a flood of emotions over the past week or so. I could not be more grateful for all of the the blessings bestowed on me in 2010, or more enthusiastic about the promise awaiting in 2011!
We are headed to some dear friends' house to celebrate tomorrow evening, and my heart will be so incredibly full as I watch that ball drop in Times Square. Just a couple of weeks ago we stood in that very spot with our donor recipient couple~~unaware that a little miracle had already begun taking shape.
As I continue to explore ways to navigate this ever evolving journey, one thought I had was to write a letter.
A letter a year to our adopted snowbabies.
Whether just for my own therapeutic purposes, or perhaps one day for him/her/them to read and hopefully help them understand.
And so here goes...my first letter!
May God bless each and every one of you. May you find peace as this year comes to a close, and find many blessings awaiting in 2011.
Happy New Year!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dearest Little One:
I have a secret to tell you. You are a lucky little bean. A very lucky little bean. But rather than try to explain, let me instead share a little story…
Once upon a time there was a woman happily raising her four children. This woman had known she wanted to be a mommy ever since she was a little girl. Not only did she know she wanted to be a mommy, she knew she wanted to have lots of babies. Not just two or three like most families, but maybe four or five! And by the grace of God, this mommy got her wish.
In five year’s time, she was blessed with three beautiful baby girls. They were each lovely and wonderful in their own special way, and every single day this woman thanked God for choosing her to be their mommy. Some years later, this woman was blessed again, this time with a baby boy. He was sweet and perfect and had the most beautiful blue eyes you’ve ever seen. This mommy couldn’t believe how very lucky she was to have the family she’d always dreamed of! She was sure her family was now complete.
But then, just when she thought her life could not possibly be any fuller, she met the most magnificent man she’d ever known. He was kind and caring and loved her and her children with all of his heart. One day this man took this woman and her children on a beautiful train ride through the country and asked them to become his forever family.
The woman could not believe how incredibly blessed she was, and her heart felt as though it might explode with all of the love she was feeling. This man and woman loved each other so very much that they decided to have a baby of their very own.
The love that this man and woman had was so great that God blessed them with seven teeny, tiny little snow babies. But they could choose only one. And so, the following year, a beautiful baby girl was born, and the mommy and daddy were overcome with joy for this amazing gift.
Soon the day came when it was time for the mommy and daddy to say goodbye to their other six tiny snow babies. And although they were very sad, they were also rejoicing because God had led them to another very special mommy and daddy.
This other mommy and daddy had been wanting a baby of their own for a long time. They loved each other very much, and prayed to God very hard to grant their wish. And one day, God did grant their wish and sent them a precious little girl. Sadly, she was born just a little too soon, and God called her back up to heaven. Even though this mommy and daddy missed their little girl with all of their hearts, they kept praying to God each and every day, asking Him to watch over their sweet angel in heaven, and hoping that one day He might send them another baby to love.
God can work in very magical and mysterious ways, and so it came to be that that He helped these mommies find one another. The mommy with the six precious snow babies asked the angel baby’s mommy if she would please take care of them and love them just as she wished she could. When the angel baby’s mommy said yes, they both celebrated the miracle that God had granted them!
The first mommy was filled with a tremendous sense of peace, knowing that these six little snow babies had found their forever family~a mommy and daddy who would love them with all of their hearts forever and ever.
So you see little one, it was not just because of the love of one mommy and daddy that you are here today. It is because of the love of two mommies and daddies who all loved you so very much and wanted you so very much.
But most of all because God, in His infinite wisdom, knew that your forever family was here waiting for you all along...
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Looking Ahead
The week between Christmas and New Year's is one I always enjoy. The last minute hustle-and-bustle of getting ready for the "Big Day" is behind us, and it's time to look towards ringing in yet another New Year.
Christmas in our home this year was a most magical one. I haven't enjoyed a "Baby's First Christmas" in 8 years and had forgotten just how amazing it is to witness. Of course, the excitement can vary a bit depending on baby's age at the time (my little princess was less than 2 weeks old her first Christmas and from what I recall, slept most of the day away!).
But to see a happy, vibrant 10 month old's face on Christmas morning is the greatest gift. Watching her learn to rip wrapping paper (and try to eat it!), seeing her laugh and clap, and just seeing the looks of pure love on the faces of everyone in that room. It was all such an overwhelming feeling of happiness and peace.
The day after Christmas, I received an upsetting text from my snow sister. She'd started spotting a bit the day before and was concerned. I couldn't feel her pain or anxiety more. As I've mentioned several times before, I suffered with a subchorionic bleed for my entire pregnancy with Ava. It was the most terrifying, horrific (almost) 9 months I've ever lived through and prayed she wasn't experiencing the same. Yet I couldn't bring myself to think it could possibly be anything worse. I somehow felt in my heart that that baby was just fine.
Nonetheless, it was a long two days between her text and her ultrasound appointment yesterday. I have a Black.Berry and sat there staring at my phone all morning waiting for that little red light to start blinking, indicating that I had a text waiting.
And today I am elated to report that little bean is looking strong and beautiful as ever. Thriving.
In her own words, "it's going to be a long 9 months", and indeed it is. But a glorious 9 months.
I've started doing a great deal of soul searching thinking about what a blessed year I've had in 2010, and how I really want to focus on paying it forward in 2011 and beyond. I feel like I'm off to a pretty good start.
What makes me even happier is that after my fiance, the first texts I sent after receiving her update were to my daughters. And they were celebrating.
Two families half a country apart joined by this precious little miracle.
2010 was a banner year indeed.
Christmas in our home this year was a most magical one. I haven't enjoyed a "Baby's First Christmas" in 8 years and had forgotten just how amazing it is to witness. Of course, the excitement can vary a bit depending on baby's age at the time (my little princess was less than 2 weeks old her first Christmas and from what I recall, slept most of the day away!).
But to see a happy, vibrant 10 month old's face on Christmas morning is the greatest gift. Watching her learn to rip wrapping paper (and try to eat it!), seeing her laugh and clap, and just seeing the looks of pure love on the faces of everyone in that room. It was all such an overwhelming feeling of happiness and peace.
The day after Christmas, I received an upsetting text from my snow sister. She'd started spotting a bit the day before and was concerned. I couldn't feel her pain or anxiety more. As I've mentioned several times before, I suffered with a subchorionic bleed for my entire pregnancy with Ava. It was the most terrifying, horrific (almost) 9 months I've ever lived through and prayed she wasn't experiencing the same. Yet I couldn't bring myself to think it could possibly be anything worse. I somehow felt in my heart that that baby was just fine.
Nonetheless, it was a long two days between her text and her ultrasound appointment yesterday. I have a Black.Berry and sat there staring at my phone all morning waiting for that little red light to start blinking, indicating that I had a text waiting.
And today I am elated to report that little bean is looking strong and beautiful as ever. Thriving.
In her own words, "it's going to be a long 9 months", and indeed it is. But a glorious 9 months.
I've started doing a great deal of soul searching thinking about what a blessed year I've had in 2010, and how I really want to focus on paying it forward in 2011 and beyond. I feel like I'm off to a pretty good start.
What makes me even happier is that after my fiance, the first texts I sent after receiving her update were to my daughters. And they were celebrating.
Two families half a country apart joined by this precious little miracle.
2010 was a banner year indeed.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Coming Out
I have a confession to make. I have not yet "come out" as an embryo donor.
My older children know, our parents know, and a very select group of our friends know. But that is it.
Not to say it's exactly a topic of conversation that comes up every day. "Hey~did you catch the weather report this morning?" "How about that game last night??" "By the way..did I mention we've placed our 6 frozen embryos up for adoption??"
Even telling the few people we have has not been an easy task. First and foremeost, it can be a bit confusing to someone completely unfamiliar with the process of IVF. Take my mother for example. She is 60+ years young, and as old-school as they come. Yes, we told her we were going through IVF when our daughter was conceived last summer. But I'm not sure she ever really truly grasped the process. So when I further complicated matters by trying to explain that we've still got 6 frozen embryos in storage that we had decided to donate to an infertile couple...well...she kind of just looked back at me with a bit of a blank stare.
I think she still believes she'll be babysitting another grandchild a year from now. :)
So while I've been thrilled to share this journey with the entire blogosphere, I'm much more guarded when it comes to discussing it with people I know in "real life".
Although I suppose I'm ashamed to admit it, part of me does worry about being judged. Embryo donation/adoption being such a relatively new concept, there is much room for...shall we say..."opinion" on the matter. And while I stand firm in my convictions and am incredibly confident with our choice, it hurts to find others not so supportive.
I have one friend in particular, whom I love like a sister and whose friendship I cherish very deeply, who has caused me great pain through this process. When I received the initial contact from our clinic over the summer regarding our snow babies, she was the first person I called. I told her how conflicted I was and that I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. I talked through my options with her, and she listened intently as she always does.
Having reached our decision to donate, she was once again one of the first people I shared the news with, and again, I received her full attention. But then, when I told her we'd be flying out to meet our donor family, she had little to no reaction. When I told her about their protocol and their procedural updates, nothing. Following their visit here and subsequent transfer, no comment. And even after telling her they were blessed with a positive pregnancy test, no response.
My heart was breaking inside that she was not able to share my joy and celebrate this miracle with me. And so I felt I had no other choice but to confront her. In all fairness, she seemed incredibly relieved when I did. Almost as if she'd wanted to do it herself, but didn't have the courage.
And then her words cut me like a knife~~"I just don't see what good can possibly come from this." That was what she said. At first, I asked how she could not see something wonderful and full of love coming from this amazing couple realizing their dream of having a family?? She clarified that while she did understand and support our decision to donate our embryos, she could not support our decision to remain open throughout the process and continue to have a relationship with our recipient family. She said she only saw this as an inevitable source of pain and hurt for me in the future.
While I want to believe~~need to believe~~that she truly has my best interests at heart, I cannot escape the pain her disapproval has caused me. And this from a dear friend. So what am I to believe the reaction of outsiders might be??
I have been "introduced" to countless AMAZING women since beginning this crazy IVF journey, and have found myself consumed with blog updates and insights into everyone's journeys of heartache and jubilation. I could go on & on & on about the tears I've shed, the aching in my heart, and the sheer joy I've experienced. This is really and truly a sacred place and I feel so incredibly blessed to occupy even a tiny corner of this world.
A fellow blogger asked to share my story on her FB wall yesterday and I humbly accepted. However, I could not bring myself to "like" the page itself. To put it out to the masses that I was a "face" of embryo donation. To share what has become a vital part of my person with those whom I'm supposedly "friends".
And for this I am ashamed.
I am a firm believer~~a MOST firm believer~~in everything happening for a reason. I was supposed to be done having children 8 years ago. My tubes were tied. I never experienced infertility. IVF was something completely foreign to me.
Yet here I am.
And I am HUMBLED. And HONORED. So please forgive me as I continue to come to terms with my place in this world.
To you I say, I AM a face of embryo donation. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
My older children know, our parents know, and a very select group of our friends know. But that is it.
Not to say it's exactly a topic of conversation that comes up every day. "Hey~did you catch the weather report this morning?" "How about that game last night??" "By the way..did I mention we've placed our 6 frozen embryos up for adoption??"
Even telling the few people we have has not been an easy task. First and foremeost, it can be a bit confusing to someone completely unfamiliar with the process of IVF. Take my mother for example. She is 60+ years young, and as old-school as they come. Yes, we told her we were going through IVF when our daughter was conceived last summer. But I'm not sure she ever really truly grasped the process. So when I further complicated matters by trying to explain that we've still got 6 frozen embryos in storage that we had decided to donate to an infertile couple...well...she kind of just looked back at me with a bit of a blank stare.
I think she still believes she'll be babysitting another grandchild a year from now. :)
So while I've been thrilled to share this journey with the entire blogosphere, I'm much more guarded when it comes to discussing it with people I know in "real life".
Although I suppose I'm ashamed to admit it, part of me does worry about being judged. Embryo donation/adoption being such a relatively new concept, there is much room for...shall we say..."opinion" on the matter. And while I stand firm in my convictions and am incredibly confident with our choice, it hurts to find others not so supportive.
I have one friend in particular, whom I love like a sister and whose friendship I cherish very deeply, who has caused me great pain through this process. When I received the initial contact from our clinic over the summer regarding our snow babies, she was the first person I called. I told her how conflicted I was and that I wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. I talked through my options with her, and she listened intently as she always does.
Having reached our decision to donate, she was once again one of the first people I shared the news with, and again, I received her full attention. But then, when I told her we'd be flying out to meet our donor family, she had little to no reaction. When I told her about their protocol and their procedural updates, nothing. Following their visit here and subsequent transfer, no comment. And even after telling her they were blessed with a positive pregnancy test, no response.
My heart was breaking inside that she was not able to share my joy and celebrate this miracle with me. And so I felt I had no other choice but to confront her. In all fairness, she seemed incredibly relieved when I did. Almost as if she'd wanted to do it herself, but didn't have the courage.
And then her words cut me like a knife~~"I just don't see what good can possibly come from this." That was what she said. At first, I asked how she could not see something wonderful and full of love coming from this amazing couple realizing their dream of having a family?? She clarified that while she did understand and support our decision to donate our embryos, she could not support our decision to remain open throughout the process and continue to have a relationship with our recipient family. She said she only saw this as an inevitable source of pain and hurt for me in the future.
While I want to believe~~need to believe~~that she truly has my best interests at heart, I cannot escape the pain her disapproval has caused me. And this from a dear friend. So what am I to believe the reaction of outsiders might be??
I have been "introduced" to countless AMAZING women since beginning this crazy IVF journey, and have found myself consumed with blog updates and insights into everyone's journeys of heartache and jubilation. I could go on & on & on about the tears I've shed, the aching in my heart, and the sheer joy I've experienced. This is really and truly a sacred place and I feel so incredibly blessed to occupy even a tiny corner of this world.
A fellow blogger asked to share my story on her FB wall yesterday and I humbly accepted. However, I could not bring myself to "like" the page itself. To put it out to the masses that I was a "face" of embryo donation. To share what has become a vital part of my person with those whom I'm supposedly "friends".
And for this I am ashamed.
I am a firm believer~~a MOST firm believer~~in everything happening for a reason. I was supposed to be done having children 8 years ago. My tubes were tied. I never experienced infertility. IVF was something completely foreign to me.
Yet here I am.
And I am HUMBLED. And HONORED. So please forgive me as I continue to come to terms with my place in this world.
To you I say, I AM a face of embryo donation. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)