The Reason I'm Here

This blog is something I'm taking quite seriously, and in spite of my posts of late, is also something I want to ensure is utilized for the purpose which it was originally intended.

I was thinking today about the name of my blog~I love you this much. As many of you probably know, this is the title of a lovely children's book which I'm already reading on a regular basis with Lil Miss. However, I chose this title after great reflection and with tremendous purpose.

It is, simply stated, my heartfelt message to the 6 snowbabies my fiance and I have relinquished for adoption.

When I first began my IVF cycle last spring, each step of the process was explained to me in great detail. I learned about the different medications I would be taking, and their intended effects. I was informed of the various procedures I was to undergo, and all of the possible outcomes. I recall the militant monitoring of my ovaries, and praying for a high follicle count. I remember the anxiety of wondering how many eggs would fertilize, and, gulp, ultimately make it to the blastocyst stage. However, my primary concern remained (as I'm sure it does for most everyone) having a healthy baby. And so it was on transfer day, when we were handed a photo of beautiful little embryo "G" and told how wonderful he/she looked, embryos A-F were no more than a fleeting thought in our minds.

How very much can change in the course of one year.

When we received the letter this past summer informing us of the decision to be made regarding our remaining embryos, it was breathtaking. That is truly the best way I can descibe it. My breath was taken away. They were no longer embryos A-F sitting frozen in our clinic. They were 6 little miracles waiting to be born. And oh how I wished~in fact ached~to have them all. To carry them all. To raise them all. To love them all. But I realized it was not possible. I had already been blessed with 5 amazing children. Yes, these 6 were just as real, and just as amazing, and just as loved. But they were not mine to have. To carry. To raise. But oh yes...always to love.

I look at my beautiful 8 month old daughter~at her chubby cheeks, her big blue eyes, her crazy toes that go every which way~everything that makes her "her". And I wonder. I wonder if those other 6 angels, her full biological siblings, will share any similarities. Will I be looking at a picture a year or more from now of a perfect little boy with those same blue eyes? Of a precious little girl who also crinkles her nose and snorts when she laughs? And if so, how will I feel? I imagine a range of emotions, all of which I intend to process and experience as they happen. As far as I can tell, it will be a healthy not to mention necessary part of this process. Will it be easy? I imagine not. Will I come to regret this choice? Not on your life.

While my heart might ache out of love, it will also be loudly rejoicing. Rejoicing that these babies were given a chance. A chance to be born. A chance to be raised by amazing, wonderful people who were destined to be their parents. Parents who will love them~beyond the shadow of a doubt~as only I could.

I found an amazing article link on another blog today, sparkly things distract me..., entitled "Myths of Donated DNA". While it primarily addresses egg donation, I feel it still resounds loudly:

Perhaps the greatest myth surrounds pregnancy. Many believe the uterus is simply an incubator. Nothing could be further from the truth. The most important aspect of all pregnancies — including egg donation pregnancies — is that as the fetus grows, every cell in the developing body is built out of the pregnant mother’s body. Tissue from her uterine lining will contribute to the formation of the placenta, which will link her and her new child. The fetus will use her body’s protein, and then she will replace it. The fetus uses her sugars, calcium, nitrates, and fluids, and she will replace them. So, if you think of your dream child as your dream house, the genes provide merely a basic blueprint, the biological mother takes care of all the materials and construction, from the foundation right on up to the light fixtures. So, although her husband’s aunt Sara or the donor’s grandfather may have genetically programmed the shape of a new baby’s earlobe, the earlobe itself is the pregnant woman’s “flesh and blood.” That means the earlobe, along with the baby herself, grew from the recipient’s body. That is why she is the child’s biological mother. That is why this child is her biological child.

So yes, precious little ones...you were wanted more than you will ever know. Loved more than you will ever know. And God~in his infinite wisdom and goodness~has led us to your family. A family that will care for you and love you and cherish you every single second of every single day.

How much do I love you? I love you THIS MUCH.